Barokah Wedding

Barokah Wedding

There are several family portraits in Indonesia. That is:

1. Family is like a "grave". Every member of the family is full of mystery, uncommunicative and selfish.
2. Family is like a "boxing arena". Fellow family members compete emotionally and unhealthy so that it triggers hostility.
3. Family is like a "market". Services will be provided depending on the benefits of the material provided.
4. Family is like “school and mosque”. There are in the family the pattern of upbringing, compassion, and upbringing. The family is like a "mosque", a place that provides peace and solemnity for all those who worship in it.

There are several things that need to be prepared for a wedding. Namely:

1. Shidqu intention
2. shidqu azm
3. Shidqu iltizam
4. shidqu charity

Marriage is a noble worship and the longest duration, so every couple needs to prepare for their wedding with some preparations. Among them:

First, spiritual preparation. That is, the readiness to submit to the rules of Allah SWT in carrying out the household in the future, so that family members are more responsible and generous, and willing to share in patience and gratitude.

Second, science preparation. Organizing the household with better knowledge and more blessed with religious understanding. That way, we will be easier and happier married. And, there is no end of the word "learning".

Third, physical preparation. Especially those related to reproductive health, both for women and for men. If there is a health problem, it must be treated immediately, and pay attention to the cleanliness of underwear and body.

Fourth, material preparation. Ready to be responsible for the men, endeavor to fight for a living, not lazy, not prestige looking for halal sustenance, and not committing immorality. Because earning a living is obligatory for the husband, because a man is obliged to give a dowry as an initial form of responsibility to his wife.

Fifth, social preparation. That is, ready to socialize, understand how to be neighbors, socialize, and take on a role in society. This preparation will not stop, but will continue to be improved when they are married so that they are more prepared and become good members of the community and have a strong household.

The Qur'an is a book of guidance. It contains:

1. Instructions → Qs 2:1-5 → pious.
2. The meaning of taqwa → Qs 66:6 → keep yourself and your family from hell fire.
3. Mecca verse → aqidah and morals.
4. Madaniyah verse → muamalah.

Meanwhile, the phenomena of the afterlife and family conflicts can be read at:

1. Qs 43:67-70. Padang Mahsyar → matchmaking or enmity
2. Shiroth Bridge is guarded by 2 charities → trust and friendship.
3. Qs 7:46-47. Pole al-A'raf → bankrupt.
4. Qs 13:23-25. Paradise lobby → grand family reunion.

Marriage is the longest worship in our life

The following are the basic concepts of the marriage verse:

1. Qs 4:1. Marriage is the union of a male and female in the bond of a valid marriage qabul in the frame of piety.
2. Qs 30:21. (1) Intention from the beginning to give peace to each other to the partner until the end of life. (2) Learn to love and care for each other in joy and sorrow.
3. Qs 9:71-71. Partner with a partner in carrying out duties and obligations.
4. Qs 43:67-70. Have a vision of one day becoming a pair of kings and queens in heaven.
5. Qs 20:115. Mutual awareness that their partner is human (forgetful), has weaknesses, and has the potential to make mistakes.
6. Qs 2:187. Each partner serves as a garment for the other (covering the disgrace and for beauty).

Islam teaches, when there is a conflict in the household, do not look for who is wrong but should forgive each other, embrace and strengthen, and seek forgiveness (Qs 64:14).

Both husband and wife have rights and obligations. These include:

1. Qs 4:34. The husband's main obligation is to be the leader, the main protector of the family.
2. Qs 2:233. The husband's main obligation is to fulfill all the necessities of life in the form of clothing, food, housing, education, and the health of his wife and children.
3. Qs 4:34. The wife's main obligation is to obey her husband and maintain the husband's trust.
4. Qs 51:24-26. The wife's main obligation is to manage household affairs (wells, mattresses, and kitchens).
5. Qs 30:21. Shared rights to mutual love, peace and happiness.
6. Qs 16:72. Shared rights to obtain pious offspring.
7. Q 4:59. The common right to be heard and obeyed in what is right.
8. Qs 7:31-32. Shared rights to self-adornment.
9. Qs 24:31-32. Shared rights to take care of each other from other than their partners.
10. Qs 2:223. Shared right to sexual gratification.

Rights and obligations of husband and wife as well as polemics nusyuz

In this regard, it is necessary to understand several principles in the Qur'an. Namely:

First, human civilization in the hands of women (Qs 4:1). “O mankind, fear your Lord who created you from a single person, and from him Allah created his wife; and from them Allah multiplied many males and females. And fear Allah who by (using) His name you ask one another, and (maintain) friendship. Verily, Allah is always watching over you and watching over you.”

Second, obligations of husband and wife and nusyiz (Qs 4:34-35/128). “Men are the leaders of women, because Allah has made some of them (men) superior to others (women), and because they (men) have spent part of their wealth. Therefore, a pious woman is one who is obedient and takes care of herself [when her husband is not there], because Allah has taken care of (them), the women for whom you are worried about their nusyuz. So advise them and separate them in their beds, and beat them. Then, if they obey you, then do not look for ways to trouble them. Verily Allah is Most High, Most Great.”

Nusyuz is leaving the obligation of husband and wife. Nusyuz from the wife's side is like leaving the house without her husband's permission.

Articles of marriage in the Criminal Code

Article 80 of the Criminal Code reads:

• The husband is a guide to his wife and household, but regarding matters of household matters that are important to be decided by the husband and wife.
• The husband is obliged to protect his wife and provide all the necessities of household life according to his ability.
• The husband is obliged to provide religious education to his wife and provide opportunities to learn useful and beneficial knowledge for religion, homeland and nation.
• According to his income, the husband bears:

1. Livelihood, kiswah, and place of residence of the wife;
2. Household expenses, maintenance costs, and medical expenses for wife and children;
3. Education costs for children.

Article 83 reads:

• The main obligation for a wife is to be physically and mentally devoted to her husband within the limits justified by Islamic law;
• The wife organizes and manages household needs as well as possible;

Article 84 reads:

• The wife can be considered nusyuz if she does not carry out the obligations as referred to in article 83 paragraph (1) except for valid reasons;
• As long as the wife is in nusyuz, the husband's obligations to his wife, as referred to in Article 80 paragraph (4) letters a and b do not apply, except for matters for the benefit of their children.
• The husband's obligation in paragraph (2) above applies again after the wife is not nusyuz.
• Provisions regarding the presence or absence of nusyuz from the wife must be based on valid evidence.

The husband's obligations according to An Nisa's letter:

1. As the leader of the family.
2. Take care of the children and wife.

The wife's obligations according to An Nisa's letter:

1. Obey your husband.
2. Keeping Trust.

Nusyuz wife and how to fix it

Related to this, contained in the Qur'an. Among them:

First, Qs 4:34, includes:

1. Advice in an ihsan way, as is the case in the letter at Tahrim.
2. Separation of beds is not because they hate it, as is the case in Surah al-Ahzab regarding the demand for a living.
3. Hit without hurting.

Second, Qs 4:35, includes:

1. Mediation.
2. Each appoints a wise judge (not a lawyer).

Nusyuz husband, solutions and legal consequences

Nusyuz husband, as described in Qs 4:128, which is in the form of nusyuz and indifferent attitude. "If a woman is worried about nusyuz or the indifference of her husband, then there is nothing wrong with both of them making real peace, and peace is better (for them) even though humans are by nature stingy. And if you get along with your wife well and take care of yourself (from nusyuz and indifference), then verily Allah is All-Knowing of what you do.”

There are several cases of nusyuz husbands, such as:

1. Qs 2:226-227, the case of Ila (the status of the wife hanged).
2. Qs 2:233, violations of the case of wife and child support, punishment and justice are left to Allah SWT.
3. Qs 58:1-4, the case of verbal abuse of the wife.
4. Qs 65:1-4, in cases of divorce that do not fulfill the wife's right to support, the right to accompany and live together during the iddah period as well as the right to breastfeed wages for the wife who is divorced.

The following is a solution to the problem of nusyuz husband or wife. That is:

1. Peace by negotiation in order to stay together to maintain the integrity of the household.
2. Appoint a peacemaker, not a lawyer but a wise judge.
3. Tadabur Surat at-Tahrim, the duty of a husband or wife is to preach to their spouse and family, not to judge. The results and accountability of each in the afterlife court.

For that, we are required to be careful in choosing a partner. Namely:

1. Believing that every creature that Allah SWT created is in pairs.
2. Believing that a soul mate is a destiny written by Allah SWT in the womb based on Allah's knowledge of what will be the human choice.
3. Efforts for a written mate that lasts not only in the world but to become his partner in heaven.
4. Believing that humans are given guidance or guidance from Allah SWT when making choices by making introductions, praying istikhoroh, and praying hajat.

While the search for a suitable type, can be done by:

1. Ikhtiyar can be done by actively searching for it yourself by appointing an informant, as Khodijah did through Maysaroh.
2. Ikhtiyar conveyed his own meaning or appointed an intermediary, as Khadijah did when he appointed his aunt Nafisah to convey it to the Prophet.
3. Try to find friends or parents in a wise and polite way.

Ta'aruf before deciding

There are several things related to ta'aruf that must be known. Among them:

1. Ta'aruf (introduction) is a procession of introducing prospective partners in terms of physical, character, weaknesses, and strengths of the candidate, as well as the vision and mission of the marriage to be achieved.
2. Ta'aruf without being accompanied by seclusion (to be alone).
3. Ta'aruf has not formalized his status and remains like other people who are not mahrom.
4. Ta'aruf is the sunnah of the Prophet and his companions.
5. Ta'aruf can be mediated by a trusted person (such as Maisaroh, the messenger of Khadijah).
6. Ta'aruf should not be covered except for something disgraceful whose legal status has been completed (such as the case of a girl who had completed the law of adultery at the time of Umar bin Khattab).
7. Ta'aruf is a mandate that should not be socialized and published.

The first night

There are several important things that must be considered when living the first night as a husband and wife couple. That is:

1. Pay attention to dental and oral hygiene.
2. Fragrant smells.
3. Fix five things of nature.
4. ornate.
5. Greetings, prayers, and the first touch.
6. Pray together together.
7. Prepare snacks to be more familiar.
8. Warm communication in the household.
9. Jokes in the household.
10. Saying prayer.

Tips for strengthening family ties

1. Realize, that your partner is not an angel but an imperfect human. Allah swt says: "And from His sign of power is to create for you partners of your own kind..." (Qs 4:1).
2. Do not expose all the shortcomings of your partner in front of others, later you will become a traitor in the eyes of your Lord (Qs 2:187).
3. Be happy, grateful, and continue to hone your partner's strengths, then heaven is also for you (Qs 46:15).
4. Don't make your partner jealous because of your closeness to your professional friends, even if it's just a place to vent and love driving vehicles.
5. Be you the person who respects him the most, then he will be the person who respects you the most (Umamah bint Al-Harith).
6. So, you are the most suitable person for him, surely he will be the most suitable person for you (Umamah bint Al-Harith).
7. Together they form children like the portraits of the children of the Prophet's era. Namely:
8. Diligent in studying and wise when teaching it to parents. Example: Hasan and Husein, grandsons of Rasulullah.
9. Honestly sweeten his lips. Example: the daughter of the milk seller.
10. Smart, hard working, and sincere in his work and even became a troop leader, like Osama bin Zaid.

The cause of the collapse of harmony in the family

First, external factors. The culture of gossip about the lack of a partner, trapped in the habit of TTM (friends but intimate), and whispers of the devil.

Second, Internal factors. Mutual suspicion, and loss of love for a partner, lack of tradition of prayer and worship.

If you lose harmony in the household, these things need to be done:

1. Optimal in an effort to find solutions together and maximize always pray.
2. If it is fatal, then the last alternative is divorce so as not to increase the disobedience between husband and wife.

ارك للا لكما ارك ليكما ا

Delivered by Ustadzah Nur Hamidah Lc., M.Ag., during the Halaqoh online study Tuesday for Female Expatriates, 19 October 2021. [DDHKnews]