It's hard to say sorry

DDHK.ORG - Based on the word of Allah swt in Qs. 20:115, we are all sinners.

لَقَدْ ا لَىٰ مِنْ لُ لَمْ لَهُ ا

"And verily We ordered Adam before, so he forgot (the commandment), and We did not find in him a strong will."

Regarding sins and virtues, Rasulullah SAW gave instructions so that we listen to the heart's signal to distinguish between them. From Wabishah bin Ma'bad radhiyallahu 'anhu, he said, "I came to the Prophet sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam, and he said: Have you come to ask about virtue and sin? I answered: Yes. The Prophet sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam said: Ask your heart for fatwas. Virtue is whatever the soul is at peace with and the heart is at peace with. Whereas sin is anything that sticks in your heart and makes you doubt, even though humans give you fatwas." (Hadith hasan)

There are several kinds of errors. That is:

1. Errors are understandable, because it is a basic human nature, as described in Qs. 20:115 above.
2. Mistakes must have a deterrent effect. For example, in the story of Prophet Musa and Prophet Khidr.
3. Mistakes become character. The sign, often repeated, more than 3 times.

Perpetrator or victim?

If as a victim of error, then the word of Allah swt in Qs. 3:134 should be the basis of his attitude.

الَّذِينَ السَّرَّاءِ الضَّرَّاءِ الْكَاظِمِينَ الْغَيْظَ الْعَافِينَ النَّاسِ اللَّهُ الْمُحْسِنِينَ

“(Namely) those who spend (their wealth), both in time and in narrow times, and those who hold back their anger and forgive (mistakes) people. Allah loves those who do good."

He has two choices: forgive the perpetrator or not forgive him. However, forgiving the perpetrator is a noble trait and many benefits. Even the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) made istighfar for wrongdoers 70 times a day.

If you are the perpetrator and you are guilty, then the word of Allah swt in Qs. 3:135 should be his foothold in dealing with the mistakes he made.

الَّذِينَ ا لُوا احِشَةً لَمُوا ا اللَّهَ اسْتَغْفَرُوا لِذُنُوبِهِمْ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ لَّا اللَّهُ لَمْ ا لَىٰ ا لُوا يَعْلَمُونَ

"And (also) those who, when they do heinous deeds or persecute themselves, remember Allah and ask forgiveness of their sins, and who else can forgive sins except Allah? And they do not continue their heinous deeds, while they know."

His duty as a guilty person is to apologize, ask for forgiveness, and solve the problems he made as a consequence. His right then is to be forgiven and his affairs resolved. If it's done but not forgiven too, it will be a means of transferring the reward. as a form of his commitment, he did 100 times berstighfar and repentance nasuha.

There are several stories of misbehavior but the perpetrators are reluctant to apologize. Namely:

1. The devil who does not accept being rebuked is wrong, instead he is rebellious (Qs 7:11-18).
2. Yusuf's brother was revealed to be wrong and instead threw him at Prophet Yusuf because of envy (Qs 12:77).
3. The story of Pharaoh, Hamman, and Qorun who are constantly reminded of their mistakes but become characters because of their arrogance to feel the most victorious.

While the story of the victim of a mistake and then forgiving, like the story of Abu Bakr who stopped his livelihood to his poor cousin and was involved in a vicious slander against Aisyah ra, as described in Qs 24:22. Abu Hurairah from the Prophet he said, "No one forgives, except Allah will add to him glory. The wealth is not reduced by charity, nor does anyone forgive except that Allah will add to him glory." (HR. Ahmad)

Being able to apologize and forgive is a gift. On the other hand, if someone is proud to apologize, it could be because of these factors:

1. With the devil in his flesh and blood.
2. Insensitive because his heart is dark with disobedience.
3. Living in a vengeful environment.
4. Similar to the Children of Israel because of competition and blind jealousy.
5. Negative thinking and narrow minded.
6. Feel insulted if guilty.

There are times when the word sorry is not enough for the culprit. For this, we do not need to worry, because:

1. There is God as a just and wise judge.
2. There is a lawsuit by the prosecutor angel in the afterlife (Qs. 50: 17-21-23).
3. There are mistakes that pay legal action for justice and preventive measures so that mistakes do not happen again.

Then, is it okay when you have forgiven but are asked not to meet again, without breaking the relationship and not tyrannizing each other? We can learn this from the story of Rasulullah SAW when he received the creed of Wahsyi bin Harb, the killer of Hamzah, the Prophet's uncle in the battle of Uhud.

In the end, in the presence of Rasulullah saw he declared himself converted to Islam. However, when he found out that Wahshi was the killer of his uncle, Hamzah, the Messenger of Allah turned his face away and did not want to see Wahshi's face. This happened until he died.

The virtue of forgiving wrongdoers

There are several virtues when we forgive people who have wronged us. Among them:

First, be a sorry alms (Qs. 2:219 and Qs. 2:263).

Second, get forgiveness from Allah swt (Qs. 24:22): "And let not those who have advantages and spaciousness among you swear that they will (not) give (assistance) to (his) relatives, the poor and those who emigrated in the way of Allah, and let them forgive and have mercy on them. Don't you want Allah to forgive you? And Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful.”

Third, get an abundance of mercy (Qs. 3:159): "So it was because of the mercy of Allah that you were gentle with them. If you are hard-hearted and harsh-hearted, they will certainly distance themselves from those around you. Therefore forgive them, ask forgiveness for them, and consult with them in this matter. Then when you have made up your mind, then put your trust in Allah. Verily, Allah loves those who put their trust in Him."

Fourth, the reward flows. The Messenger of Allah said, "Forgive forgiveness, you will be rewarded. And Allah will really decide what He likes through the tongue of His Prophet." (HR. Ahmad)

Then, when is it very important to put forgiveness first even though we are innocent?

First, when traditions and customs differ (Qs. 7:199-200):

الْعَفْوَ الْعُرْفِ اَعْرِضْ الْجٰهِلِيْنَ . اِمَّا الشَّيْطٰنِ اسْتَعِذْ اللّٰهِ اِنَّهٗ لِيْمٌ

"Be forgiving and tell people to do what is right, and don't care about stupid people. And if Satan comes to tempt you, then take refuge in Allah. Indeed, He is All-Hearing, All-Knowing."

Second, time of debate and different characters. When there is a debate, we must be wise, not look for the most correct. I heard Abu Darda say, "Abu Bakr and Umar had an argument until Abu Bakr was angry with Umar. Umar turned away from him in anger. Then Abu Bakr went after him to apologize. But Umar did not forgive until he closed the door of his house in front of Abu Bakr. Abu Bakr then met the Prophet . Abu Darda said: at that time I was with the Messenger of Allah . Then the Messenger of Allah said: Surely this friend of yours has done good first. Abu Darda said: So Umar regretted what he had done. Then he came and said greetings and sat next to the Messenger of Allah and told the Messenger of Allah what he had done. Abu Darda said: Rasulullah was angry, until Abu Bakr said: By Allah, O Messenger of Allah, I am the one who has done wrong. The Messenger of Allah said: Didn't you ever leave my best friend for me? Haven't you guys ever left my best friend for me? Indeed, I once said: O mankind, indeed I am a messenger to all of you, then you say: You have lied, but Abu Bakr said: You are right." (Narrated by Bukhari).

When conflicts in the household are the same, don't look for who is at fault, but forgive, embrace, and seek forgiveness (Qs 64:14) "

اَيُّهَا الَّذِيْنَ اٰمَنُوْٓا اِنَّ اَزْوَاجِكُمْ اَوْلَادِكُمْ ا لَّكُمْ احْذَرُوْهُمْۚ اِنْ ا ا ا اِنَّ اللّٰهَ

"O you who believe! Verily, among your wives and your children there are enemies to you, so beware of them; And if you forgive and forgive and embrace (them), then indeed, Allah is Forgiving, Most Merciful."

Third, when wronged.

After forgiving, then what should be done?

1. Forgive and be embraced with love (Qs 2:109).
2. Forgive and there is a commitment agreement.
3. Solve the problem. Al Muhajir bin Qunfudz once met the Prophet when he was urinating, then he greeted the Prophet, but he did not answer his greetings until he performed ablution, then he apologized and said, "Indeed I do not like to mention the Name of Allah Ta'ala except in holy state." (Narrated by Abu Dawud).
4. Istighfar for them 70 times. Abdullah bin Umar bin Khaththab narrated, a man came to the Messenger of Allah and said, "O Messenger of Allah, I have a slave who likes to do bad things and acts unjustly, can I beat him?" The Prophet replied, "Forgive him every day seventy times." (HR. Ahmad).

But it should be noted, there is no apology if someone is asked to do good. It was narrated from 'Aisha ra, she said, "The Messenger of Allah -peace and prayer of Allah be upon him- said to me: Bring me a mat (for prayer). Then I said: Sorry, I'm on my period. He also said: Menstruation is not in your hands. (HR. Darimi).

>> Delivered by Ustadzah Nur Hmidah, LC, during Halaqoh Tuesday for Female Expatriates, February 8, 2022. [DDHKNews]